I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
