The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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