I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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