I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
