he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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