I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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