Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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