If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
