I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
