cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
