people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
