Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
