Who wears a wallet chain?!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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