My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Quick, to the slutcave!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
