Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
