Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
