I think I died a long time ago.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
