I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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