Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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