The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
