I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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