Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
