if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
