Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
