Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
