I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
