I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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