I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
