I bet he comes in French.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Randomize
