Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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