Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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