I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
