I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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