Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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