i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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