I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
