I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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