Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
