i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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