my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Randomize
