no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
