Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
