So drunk its hurt
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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