You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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