am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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