I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
