FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
