return my video game
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Farmville is her only friend.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
