he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
