onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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