Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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