Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
