I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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