I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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