Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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