I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
